Name: William "Billy the Kid" French
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Name: William "Billy the Kid" French |
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To hear him at Game On!, you would have thought this 18-year-old was a veteran stand-up comic. Not so, he says, just an avid young Red Sox fan from, of all states, New York! To Whomever it May Concern (presumably Jerry Remy; hopefully all of RSN): I suppose this may be a pipe dream going toe-to-toe with Peter Gammons, but if this nomination makes it to the powers that be, then I will be flattered to know Jerry Remy is reading the words that these humble fingers have word-processed. However, Mr. Remy, it will not be the first time you have done so. I distinctly recall a certain mailbag - and star struck as I was, retrospect illustrates that the correspondence was of insubstantial consequence and probably subsequently never re-read by anyone: I hate to bring up a problem in an otherwise sound lineup, both offensively and defensively, but I lose sleep over the lack of speed of the bench. Welcome back, Wily Mo, sure, but Willie Harris took his wheels with him when Mr. Pena took his roster spot. I hope you'll recognize how important a clutch base stealer can be late in games in the playoffs (i.e. 2004 ALCS, Game 4) and I have doubts about Gabe's ability to get it done with a questionable ankle. Am I crazy or do you give merit to the need to fill this shortcoming? And if so, who be the man for the job? Will French, Rye, NH A: First of all, you are correct, if the only thing that is a concern is our speed off the bench, we are in good shape. I can assure you that any trades that the Red Sox have in mind, if any, are those that would address other issues (pitching comes to mind). My advice to you is to relax and get some sleep. We are looking pretty good. Now granted, I appreciated the time and attention, but if I get nothing else out of nominating myself, I'll let it be known that you wrongfully assumed I was from New Hampshire, even though I, myself, feared that fully disclosing my residential area would disqualify me from receiving a reply and so it was, I did not include the state. Well, my subtle ploy worked as I had hoped and prognosticated but alas, it helped incite a hibernating sense of self. Ergo, let it be known henceforth that displaced members of Red Sox Nation currently residing in New York, such as myself, should no longer be looked down upon. We may live at the epicenter of the antithesis of our Mecca, but we are not the enemy. On the contrary, it takes a level of [intestinal] fortitude to don a Youkilis #20 alternate jersey, my most intimate earthly article, in a New York suburb only 22 miles away from 141st and Jerome. We are few and far between, and certainly don't have a luxury such as mob mentality if we see Joe Torre at a country club and can't help ourselves from yelling something like "eight and a half!", which is exactly what happened to me last week. If looks could kill, I imagine Red Sox fans all over cringe at the idea of having a lifelong New Yorker as your leader, but it's really no different than having a black President, merely a leap of faith that defies ill conceived accepted wisdom. And so I nominate myself, William Stuyvesant French, from Rye, New York, son of Peter and Marjorie French, for the position of President of Red Sox Nation, and, God as my witness, vow to effect the end to all "stateist" propaganda that is anti-Red Sox Nation/New York Chapter my inaugural focus…after, of course, the First Annual Bill James Day and Brian Daubach Bobblehead Day. And in the same spirit of the our last correspondence, I can't imagine I am the only one who would swap Wily Mo and Jacoby, for the stretch run at least, in a hot second. I had a fourth grade teacher named Bob "Grover" Alexander, an old man, loved American history. He was a relentless in his tangential, impromptu Constitution sermons. I remember he used to tell us, ad nauseam, how remarkable the foresight of the signers was. "They made one mistake," he'd say, " and just one. There is no age minimum to be eligible for a seat in the House." No less than three times a week he'd say that. And why does such an arbitrary anecdote have a place in my nomination letter, you are probably pondering internally? Well, to the best of my knowledge, there is no age minimum to serve as a President of Red Sox Nation and this fact is particularly relevant in my case as my age may be disconcerting to right-wing BLOHARDS. I'm eighteen (and three quarters, for what it's worth). And so it is, I am not just a New Yorker but an adolescent one at that. I just have to put my faith in the assumption that Red Sox Nation is an equal opportunity employer. School will not be a hindrance, my friends. In fact, I am entering my third (and hopefully final) different high school. What can I say? Boarding schools don't understand that West Coast games take precedent over room curfew. Don't misunderstand Will French as a person; I'm not all tongue-in-cheek, especially not in this particular forum after I watched what Remdawg did to Bill Simmons excessively sarcastic application during the White Sox broadcast earlier this week, a privilege I have to pay $200 for every year in this media market. Given what the Sox have done for my father's and my relationship, I'd go as high as I had to, even if I had to work it off all summer. But maybe it's time the Red Sox brass took NESN to the national level so I wouldn't have to take a hammer to my piggy back. Even with every Sox game and the free Globe coverage online, I'm not getting my fix. Moreover, Sox Appeal and Globe 10.0 is being dangled right in front of my face, making it that much more excruciating. And so I say to you, Lucchino and Co., to answer question number two, my advice to you is to tap into the untouched ratings resource that is transplanted Red Sox Nation, because I assure you, that demographic is salivating for 24/7 Sox coverage. It's not just this soul sick, young man in New York who is willing to pay $14.95 just for a membership card and the off chance that a prominent member of the organization will read what I write. . . . As for prospective future commissioners: We need to have the same amount of teams in every division. I understand that there must be an even number in each league for scheduling purposes, but fans of NL Central teams have to feel slighted. How could this even happen, let alone be allowed to perpetuate? I can't be the first one to think of this because if I am, then game over, everyone. And enough Fox coverage; I'm sick of having to mute the TV and tuning into WEEI because Joe and Jerry don't explain the graphics that come on the screen. This team will be my future in some capacity. This job would be life changing for my father and I. And I'm sure it will be a great springboard for me to serve the organization post-Presidency. It's my passion. I don't take it lightly. Give me a kamikaze plane and I'll fly into the Bronx outfield if it pleases Mr. Henry. I want to be your leader, but I am happy to be just another devoted fan if that's what the Nation needs. Either way, may God continue to bless the Boston Red Sox, and may they continue to bond future generations. I love you all…except Byungie Kim. |
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